We are all so obsessed with how we feel. In every moment, we’re checking: do I feel good? If yes: hold on tight and don’t let it get away! If no: panic! Must get rid of painful feeling right now!

It is so instinctive to react like this, but is it helpful? Grasping onto our feelings is actually one of the main causes of our pain. When we experience a pleasant feeling and try to hold onto it, we set ourselves up for the crushing disappointment when it inevitably fades. And when we have an unpleasant feeling, we also hold onto it. Even though we want it to go away, we grasp onto it tightly by dwelling on the thought ‘I feel bad.’ Perverse, isn’t it?

In How to Solve Our Human Problems, Geshe Kelsang Gyatso says:

There is an enormous difference between the thoughts ‘I am feeling bad’ and ‘Unpleasant feelings are arising in my mind.’ When we identify with our feelings, we make them bigger and more solid than they are, and it becomes far more difficult to let the unpleasant feelings go. On the other hand, when we learn to view our feelings in a more detached way, seeing them simply as waves in the ocean of our mind, they become less frightening and much easier to deal with constructively.

We would gain so much freedom if we let go of grasping at our feelings. So, how do we do it?

We need to recognize that we have a choice. Our feelings are not fixed. For example, we meet someone who makes us feel good. So, they must be a really special person, right? They must possess some pleasant quality, and so that pleasantness has been transferred to us, and now we feel pleasant too. Not so. If they were inherently pleasant, everyone would react to them the same way … and however nice someone is, that is never the case. How we feel depends on us, not on them. We think our feelings are dictated to us by external people and things – but we’re the ones who create them.

And feelings are not so black-and-white. When you go for a sports massage, you are essentially paying someone to cause you pain; and we say ‘Ah, that’s nice.’ We have imputed pleasure on a painful feeling because we know it is good for us.

Now, say you stub your toe. Where is the pain? Well, in my foot, of course! But how can it be? Feelings are part of the mind; the body itself cannot experience feelings, only the mind can. We know that’s true, because if you get caught up in a good TV programme, for example, your toe stops hurting simply because your mental attention has moved away from it. Then it comes back when the programme ends, unfortunately!